It's been a gay themed month for me.

I just noticed it. There's so much GAY GAY GAY around me lately.

* I've been watching gay vloggers on YouTube.

* My favorite in American Idol Season 7 was ousted Danny Noriega.

* Danny Noriega went on Rosie's cruise with gay people on board..

* And these gay people vlog on YouTube.

* I've enjoyed gay rumors going on between JC Chasez and Chace Crawford.

* My laptop gets regularly infested with gay pr0n.

And recently

* My cousin just outed himself. Would you look at that!

OK, regarding my cousin, I already had a sense that he is gay but I NEVER ASK. It's not my business to ask or even confirm it by doing detective work. That's just pathetic. It's not even ignorance. It's just an "I don't care" kind of thing. If somebody confirms it, then OK, that's cool, but I don't sit around and wait for that moment to come.

The same goes for my brothers. If I notice that they are effeminate, I won't bother asking them if their actions reflect their sexuality. I just don't give a damn. I mean, even if I knew, it won't change our relationship as brother and sister.

This is also true for my friends. I have a close friend in college and we spent a lot of time together. There were instances that his movements screamed "GAY" but those instances did not drill a nail in my head like I'll never be able to look at him the same way again because the nail is stuck there. I think it's lame for sexuality to get in the way of friendship, to be honest. I am your friend, and I like hanging out with you. And I won't look at you with malice, and I hope you think the same way towards me.

I went to an all-girls school back in grade school and high school. Butches were the sexual trend. Trend; because the lezzies were sprouting everywhere in the campus, like it was the in thing to have a girl-on-girl relationship, or if you were not "lucky" in that department, at least look the part of a dyke. I was seriously confronted with this issue. Believe it or not, I did ask myself if I'm a lesbian and ready to hook up with a girl, or if I'd like to dress up as a boy but still like a guy, or I'm just plain athletic and prefer not to wear a skirt. Well... I'm the latter.

The news about my cousin being gay came from my step mom. We had a chat about it. She simply could not understand how THE GAY came to be. God only created a man and a woman, so where did gayness come from? It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. [Wait a minute, who was THE FIRST GAY EVER then?] I could not give her a straight answer as I am not gay but for sure, the existence of homosexuality, I really don't want to base it on religion because it's really debatable. However, do you remember the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah that were mentioned in the Bible? I'm not gonna say that gay people are evil because in the Bible, God banished these towns, but it's clear here that Sodom and Gomorrah were filled with people. It's a collective. It was a group of people.

I was led to interrogate myself about my sexuality because of the trend in school, of how I see people engaging in same-sex relationships and for some reason I kind of saw myself in them so I just had to question myself. Hmm. Why did it even cross my mind? It's not bad to think about it, but the fact that I did think about it bears significance. What did I want? Did I feel the need to belong? Probably. I mean, those were the "insecure me" years anyway.  But then again, when you out yourself NOW, some are going to judge you for what you have BECOME (but you'll be like, I didn't BECOME this. This is WHO I AM!!!111).

I'm so bad at this. I don't even have clear evidence and related literature to support what I have just said. I'm not even going to fight with anyone who feels like bashing my entry like it's goddamn Hitler back from the dead. All I'm saying is that perhaps people around have been a reinforcement. The preference is already there, but it has been fueled by influence. Oh wow, thank you, Ms. Obvious.

tags: gay  

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