Follow me on Mobile:
I've just set these ad spaces for only $0! What makes the cost rise is the bidding so come get them quick!
Silence, secrets and sponges
Maybe I've denied myself of this fact. And I refused to see it because I have faith.
Faith. Is it like a 2-way street? Can you have faith on someone who doesn't have faith in you? Is it really faith? or is it just a blind-sighted perception, strange as it sounds?
What is the difference between being gullible and vulnerable? Dictionary-wise, being gullible is being naive; easily tricked, while "vulnerable" means being prone to attack. Do both words apply to me? Am I actually gullible? Am I that stupid to get tricked? Or do I just open myself too much for me to get attacked? I guess I have said this a lot in past entries. I don't guard myself too much. I don't want to be that frigid bitch, you know. I choose not to be cold. But how much should I give to be on the safe side?
For the past year, I've met people who I thought were my friends, or at least people I can share a thing or two with. Recently though, it has dawned on me that nice doesn't really mean reliable. I know, I know, it's a simple thing to learn, but I guess you'll never fully grasp such a simple concept unless there's an example right in front of you, or rather, there's an example that will slap you in the face. Maybe I'm just waiting for this slap to hit me before I finally admit it. Ha. In soccer, if you let the ball hit you, it will definitely hurt. But if you exert effort to hit a ball coming towards your way, you just neutralize the force. There's no pain. I guess, I chose to do the former. Damn, Jamie, you became a sponge!
But I don't feel anything wrong with it, I mean not at this moment. It hurts, it surely does but I just did what I felt was good. It may sound cheesy now, but didn't Jesus trust all people? He had so much to give, such compassion that I will never have. And some people chose to betray him. Was Jesus being stupid then? Was he gullible? He surely was vulnerable, but was it a bad thing? To leave himself open like that? What's wrong with being open? Does this entitle other people to think of you as weak, that it gives them the opportunity to attack you?
Sometimes I think of all my secrets. Can I still survive if they were all revealed? I sort them one by one and I think of all scenarios possible if each of them is unfolded. I ask myself, why do I actually hold on to these secrets? Do these secrets reveal my soft spot so I try my hardest to guard them? What if I had no secrets at all? Then I don't have anything to hide, right? It makes me open, but then again, people see this as a chance to overtake. So what's the best option? To keep quiet and still when there's a threat to be exposed (to what??!!)? or to reveal everything so there's nothing left to dig? I actually think Jesus chose both. He had secrets, but people asked him and he answered. It's like he always revealed himself, but he never ran out of secrets. How did he do it? He's such a mysterious man.
I've made a decision. I won't be like any of these people at all. It kinda sounds ambitious (Heck, I think I've lost my ambitions along the way!) but I want to hold on to my faith. It's not much, but it's my faith. This is all I'm going to have... for myself, for you, for them, when any of you try to strip me to nothing. Blind? Maybe I just see something that you don't. Maybe it's the other way around so it's you who's really blind. I actually thought I've lost this faith, but I think I never did. I just hid it.
